


Loving You Back When I Can

by fallenfromthetop



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M, Post Mpreg, a happy restless heart syndrome, angstangstangst means funfunfun!!, butnotmpreganymore, its a continuation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-18
Updated: 2013-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-29 18:33:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1008666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallenfromthetop/pseuds/fallenfromthetop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The continuation of Restless Heart Syndrome written by mychemicalbitchbot and placed within the Mortal Instruments World (Cassandra Clare).<br/>It was never meant to happen, but it did, Alec Lightwood left with a child and no where left in the world except the Mudanes.....and Magnus.....<br/>But after his...ex-boyfriend leaves him with the baby, Alec's not so sure Magnus is the best place to go......</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When Playing Hard to Die

**Author's Note:**

  * For [witch_lit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/witch_lit/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Restless Heart Syndrome](https://archiveofourown.org/works/518103) by [witch_lit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/witch_lit/pseuds/witch_lit). 



> Despite it's amazing storyline, it had a rather depressing ending whereas many fans had hoped for a happy one.  
> Call me a sadist or whatever, I liked the ending, albeit it a sad one.  
> But I thought it was a good opportunity to prove I actually can do something in this world except for typing away in Tumblr.....  
> So I asked if I could write a continuation where Alec (MAAAAJOOOORR spoiler if you're reading that story) lives and somehow struggles on in the human world. But enough chatter, sir, ONWARDS!  
> By the way, this first chapter is basically a rewrite of the last chapter of Restless Heart Syndrome (chp 10).

_What is wrong?_

Magnus breathed out a sigh of relief as he noticed the empty space behind Brother Jeremiah; obviously Jeremiah had decided that only he was appropriate currently to speak to Alec. Jeremiah had stood there waiting for his arrival to be welcomed, manners were indeed part of the laws for the Clave, even the superiors had no right to disobey.

Magnus clenched his teeth: he had to make his decision. Both choices would ensure some form of punishment, be it there is a longer time before it is enforced. Alec would be most indefinitely be exiled from the Clave, possibly alongside with the remainder of the Lightwood family, Magnus had already told Alec he couldn’t care less about him....but he still couldn’t throw him under the bus. Perhaps he was much older than what Alec could ever be, but he still had feelings. Still had feelings-

At that moment he heard a light groan from the other side of the corridor, it was soft but in pain. Soon after, a whisper of “Magnus” followed: Alec’s whimpers grew louder by the second, then again a louder call for Magnus was briefly trailed on with a “please”. Brother Jeremiah said nothing, his expression didn’t change or say anything to expose any inner thoughts that he had decided not to let the Underworlder know. But Brother Jeremiah did notice that what was currently happening to Alec was enough to render the warlock nervous and tense. After another moment of silence, Magnus closed the oak door behind Jeremiah and grimaced, it was strange to see the normally bright face to be so muted and worried.

“Follow me.”

The room was most likely clean before anything happened, it had the lingering smell of hospitals and surgery rooms. Magnus had ran back in the room to Alec, he gently pushed at the yellowy bulge that had expanded larger than ever. Through his palms, he let magic flow under and out, it streamed across Alec’s womb and cocooned it. He knew the baby was coming whether he liked it or not, now all he could do was reduce the damage and bring out the child manually, a man could never be able to give birth to a child. The brutal parasitic way to produce a child within a space definitely not adapted for children and Alec throwing up blood through the process: it was obvious a male child of the Angel was incapable for reproduction. It was very likely that it was because of so that it was concluded as a sin when no actions can be further done by homosexual couples to replace the slowly dying numbers of the Shadowhunters. A Shadowhunter like Alec was never meant for this role.

And Magnus was the one who forced him in to it.

Alec was suffering till no ends, it was beyond obvious: his erratic breathing and contorted facial expression, his continuous laboring whispers for Magnus. His eyes were glazed and he was fighting to keep himself conscious, with all his mustered strength, he feebly turned towards Magnus. He knew that Magnus was tired and his energy source was not infinite even if he gave such impression. It was dwindling and sadly Alec was aware of it.

“He’s called Max.”

Magnus’ eyes averted from the womb to Alec’s dull ones. If the situation weren’t so dire Alec would have laughed at his expression. _So serious, sir, calm down._ It was as if Magnus was telling him to stop speaking so morbidly, like Alec was so sure he was not going to make it. Alec thought to himself, if only Magnus was like this all the time: worrying for him, helping him..... _loving_ him. This was doubtfully the best way to pass away, with such depressing thoughts.

_But at least Magnus is loving you now._

Yeah, Alec thought to himself, but you know the truth.

_“You're not carrying my child and even if you were I wouldn't give a fuck."_

He chuckled inwardly, Alec had read that it wasn’t good for the child if he was nervous or depressed all the time, it caused a trauma to the womb. There wasn’t enough time left, Alec drew as much of his breath together as possible and opened his mouth –

_You should give up._

Magnus had forgotten about the Silent Brother, but he spoke to both Alec and him at the same time, he was instantly reminded. Alec froze up, his entire body tensed up and he turned his head towards the melancholically robed figure by the oak door frame.

“Magnus,” he whispered terrified “My family is not involved, tell him that I’ll take all responsibility.”

From within the hood, Jeremiah studied the naked Shadowhunter who was hyperventilating, his face was gritted in pain and he occasionally jerked to the side from the spasms within the bump. Jeremiah thought was most likely logical to give an answer to all the questions of “what’s happening” to Magnus.

_This has happened before. The Clave have not confirmed why so have happened, but they assume it is a punishment for those who has derived from the path. There has been no cases of survival. The inner parasite has always won, like many would once they have finished with their host: they will kill after they are finished, this young parasite however is unaware that they cannot survive the world if they accidentally kill their host and in process, is trapped inside. Please abort your efforts, High Warlock._

Magnus’ head whipped around to face the tall figure.

“This has happened before?” he said urgently. He was pale too, tired from the efforts of letting the parasite – child – from tearing apart Alec. The Brother nodded slowly almost hesitantly as if wondering whether or not to tell Magnus the answer. Not leaving his hands off Alec for a second, he craned his neck over to Jeremiah.

“Tell me what they have tried. Please!”

The Silent Brother was aware Magnus had almost never reverted to politeness, any situation be. Well....it would not cause any impact towards the Clave, even though this information was restricted and known by only those who have the highest seats in the council, it would not affect them to tell a dying man and a High Warlock whom, if not to stop, is doomed to be welcomed at the arms of Death as well.

_With similar method you are welding now, they have no choice but to continuously regenerate the tissue until they run out of energy and is forced to use life force. Any attempts on removal will kill the host instantly and possibly the parasite too, the parasite is rigged on to several main arteries as observations from the last case has suggest. If you stop now, High Warlock, you will not pass away with Alec Lightwood._

Within the mist of red and pain, Alec still heard it. It rang in his ears and the words repeated themselves, and with those words, Alec knew it was inevitable, he will die and perhaps, his – their – child too. He knows there is no way that Magnus would sacrifice all his power just to get to the end and die with him. Alec didn’t want to be selfish, no matter how much he wanted from Magnus, no matter how much of the one sided love he had: Alec would never want Magnus dead because of him. And worthlessly too. If Alec was going to die, he had one more request, a last one and if any of the Angel’s love is on his side, it will be granted.

“Save...the child, Magnus. Just take – ” and Alec was overcome by coughs of blood, he was deteriorating by the second, he felt the movement at this abdomen and despite the current situation, he smiled; him and Magnus’ child. If he were a woman, perhaps this could have end all well, living together in the same house with their child between them, there would be arguments and laughter, but nonetheless a happy ending.

If only he wasn’t one of the sinned.

When the coughs died down enough, he finished his sentence:

“Just take Max out, it doesn’t matter....if....if...it kills me...”

He held on to one of Magnus’ hand resting on bump, when Magnus turned towards him, he let a brief smile flutter across his face. He wanted to tell him, and it didn’t matter of what Magnus thought: he wasn’t going to find out what Magnus thought, he was going to die.

“You know I love you, right?” Alec said softly “It doesn’t matter...don’t tell me what you think, just let me believe it for a moment that it’s not as....one sided as I think.”

His labored breathing was softer and gentler.

“Take care of Max, say bye to Izzy and Jace for me....” And after a moment’s thought, he added “Mom and....Dad too....”

Magnus was near tears, this wasn’t him, the High Warlock didn’t cry over this, he wasn’t supposed to cry over his ex-boyfriend, he was just a customer. Magnus’ magic was beginning to penetrate the abdomen area to do Caesarean section, or a modified version to remove the fetus in a male body. Alec grit his teeth in pain, he didn’t have the strength to do much more than grimace. Jeremiah didn’t move, whatever the Silent Brother had power to do, he was visibly not willing to help.

“Magnus...Magnus.....hold my hand...” Alec murmured, his eyes were squeezed shut, “I’m scared.”

It was difficult to adjust this position, but Magnus focused the forces on one hand, the other one gently intertwining with Alec’s pale fingers holding him till the end.

\----

It was pink and red all over and it cried with all means.

_I have never heard of such abnormalities, any attempted method resulted in the death of the fetus and the host. How is this possible?_


	2. When We Are Family

_3 Years Later_

“Daddy....Daaaaadddddy.......”

It was rather irritating.

“Daaaaaaad......Daaaad.”

Alec’s eyebrow twitched as he waited for whining to stop, one of his hand resting gently on the glowing keyboard and the other reaching for his home-made “I ♥ Daddy” coffee cup. With Max learning the definition of “annoying”, it was really his only savior nowadays: caffeine and it’s miracles. Trying to desperately ignore the whining, he crossed his legs and sipped slowly at the coffee .

One minute passed, then two, then three.

But still, Alec couldn't help it, he was frustrated at Max’s constant demand for attention at all the wrong times but he was worried.

Alec glanced at the door as he listened for the sobs.

It wasn't stopping.

“Dad....” Followed by a whimper. “Daaaddy....”

Alec honestly couldn't stand it anymore: he got up to get to Max, he passed through the dark corridor filled with Max’s adorable (badly) painted “masterpieces” and towards the corridor leading to the oaken staircase.

The vacant house was quite the field after the move from New York and Alec's quick realization that empty cardboard boxes were a disaster in waiting and that Max wasn't the luckiest person in the world. Needless to say, the mess was cleaned up soon enough leaving space to place cupboard to store some of Max’s more unfortunate toys for the sale next Wednesday.

Alec turned to the left and brought himself to a bright purple door with “Danger, I. am. a. WARLOCK! ABRACADABRA.” painted in a devastatingly terrible handwriting. The whimpers and whining were still coming along in masses, this time without pauses in between. Apparently, it wasn't going to stop unless Alec actually went in and calmed Max down. Alec leaned on the ajar door frame, one hand clutching the half empty cup and the other on his hip and frowned.

“Max.”

The little toddler turned his wet eyes towards Alec’s blue ones. 

Big round cat-like eyes.

Really round, misty, _innocent_ eyes.

If he could find someone who could actually yell at those eyes, he'd marry them. Alec tried his best to keep the displeased look on his face and averted his eyes to the ceiling, but as soon as he looked back at Max again, he, like most times, failed. Alec sighed and ran his hand through his messy ebony hair. Letting two more seconds cut through the stillness, Alec gently closed the door behind him and flicked on the orange night-light by Max’s bedside. He sat down slowly next to little trembling toddler.

He was so small. Too small. For the first few weeks when Max was born, Alec had worried about the size of the child. His limbs were expectantly slender and knobby, being both distressing and adorable. But soon enough, Max proved himself over within a few months of Alec’s fervent care. Still tiny, but healthy. All Alec wanted. With his free hand, Alec affectionately smoothed down the crinkles from Max’s tossing and turning.

“What’s wrong, Max?” he murmured while stroking the silky black locks across Max’s face and brushing the dribbling tears off Max’s cheek.

Max pulled the green Slytherin (Harry Potter was mostly what got him started on magic) covers over and around his head and curled towards Alec’s body heat, wrapping himself underneath Alec’s hug, desperately whispering,

“The monsters, daddy. They're coming to get me.”

He timidly pointed under his bed with his pawed green handy footie pajama and finished his act by tucking himself back into Alec’s hold. Under different circumstances Max would have looked really cute, but in all good conscience, it was twelve in the night had Alec had work to finish.

Inwardly, Alec sighed, he was so....so tired. Ever since the “Three Years Old MAGICK” birthday party Max had begged from Alec’s wallet (which was sufficiently a lot lighter after the billing), Max had been convinced that monsters did indeed exist for one sole reason: to hide under his bed and rip him apart limb by limb.

 _Well...._ Alec thought whimsically to himself, _monster- demons - do actually exist...._

Just not the way Max thought they did. And telling Max about the Underworlders, Demons and Shadowhunters weren't exactly the best way to console a terrified kid at midnight.

_Wouldn't_ _it just be a lot easier if you had someone else supporting to you? Like, perhaps, his dad?_

I'm his dad.

_You know what I mean._

Yeah....Alec did. When Max looked up at him from under his arms around him, Alec couldn't help but remember the golden cat eyes he had completely fallen for.

Those long limber arms circling around him and softly breathing in Alec’s hair.

Stop it.

That smirk outshining the surrounding glitter and sparkles.

Shut up.

The dreams that he still had where _he_ was still there, still loving him.

He held Max more tightly and his grip around Max tensed. All Alec now needed was Max. _He_ was over, he had told Alec that his love meant so little enough that he couldn't even consider a second chance. And now, all Alec needs is Max and nothing more, he couldn’t be selfish, he had a child of his own and that was all he wanted.

Everything in the world in his hands.

What more could Alec ask for.

_.....Magnu-_

His train of thoughts were broken when Max sniffled and gripped Alec’s shirt.

Alec bent down and kissed the crown of Max’s head, now completely on the bed and snuggling in the soft duvet with Max.

“Don't worry, kiddo, you're a warlock remember? They beat all the monsters in the stories.”

Max nodded silently, but the tears still weren't drying up, they continued to run and pour down. Alec, needless to say, was a bit worried: whenever Max had a sudden crying fit, just reminding him that he was an all-powerful warlock almost always did the trick. When it didn't work, like right now, it meant something really bad was going on....and Alec had no idea what it was.

Was it that because Alec was busy, Max was neglected?

Or that he had been bullied at kindergarden?

But that made no sense, he had many friends in that kindergarden, all of which their mothers whom are good friends with Alec and completely overflowing with sympathy through Alec’s single dad status.

“I keep on seeing them.....in my head, they draw symbols and use wands and stick them on my hands. It hurts, Daddy, they won't stop, they keep on saying that they must get it on me, but they keep on sizzling off, Daddy...make them stop.....make them...”

The droplets of water continued their way down Max’s cheeks and he continued to bury himself within the warmth of Alec's hold, whilst doing so, he mumbled

“Why don't I have a mommy, daddy.....everyone else has a mommy.”

Alec froze. He was not expecting this question to pop up anytime soon. Unless...

“The other kids were asking me why I don't have a mommy.”

...toddlers from the kindergarden had egged him on. All of a sudden, Max's nightmare became the least of his concerns when it came to Max's origin and his questions. Alec hugged him closer than ever and whispered,

“You don't need a mommy. You only need me.”

“But daddy needs someone to help him.”

Alec was certainly not expecting his kid to be questioning his way of life at the age of three. But undeniably, it was true. Alec did need help, he would never know what would happen to Max, both warlock blood and Shadowhunter blood in the same body.

Truthfully, Alec had questioned a few times whether or not Max will die, the two bloods within his body counters one another, _poisons_ one another. Yet the boy still lives and stands as a child in the Mundane society, what if one day it did happen, something triggers  _it_ and then Max would....Max...

“Daddy....”

Alec snapped back to reality and smiled at the little furry top of the head to toe pajamas.

“Yup, sweetie?”

“Don’t you have family?”

If Alec was shocked, it wasn't written on his face. But yes, Alec did. He had Izzy and her phone number. And he also had “exile” and “disgrace” written all over his head.

“Are we family, daddy?”

“Of course we are.”

“We love each other right?” Alec chuckled inwardly, to even think that his child would doubt him.

“Definitely, no questions, kiddo.”

“Then how about daddy’s family? Don’t you all love each other?”

_“Oh. My. God. You're pregnant!? Wait...is that even possible? Gods, I don't care how...I'm gonna' be an aunt! At sixteen! I don’t even......"_

A moments time passed as Alec revisited one of his fondest memories. Then Alec replied.

“Yeah, we do” smiled Alec. “Just...when times comes, we have to protect each other.”

**_AN: Uuuu....I love Max so much. I just totally suck at writing, I’m sorry I really tried T ^ T_ **


End file.
